Dark Berry Mountain Dew

The most important thing to know as we move forward with this review is that I am a seriously handsome guy.  My beard is lush and waves in the wind, I haven't a single feature that would be described as other than "finely chiseled".  When I move my head hair tosses and eyes twinkle, when I shrug well-toned muscles ripple, and when I walk all the ladies swoon - and many of the men.

So here's the high point of this review for you, dear reader:  I open the bottle of Dark Berry Mountain Dew, toss my head back with all the requisite waving of hair and rippling of muscles, and take a drink.  The first bit there was pretty good, but it gets better:  Dark Berry Mountain Dew sloshes out of the corner of my mouth, it sounds silly but I assure you it happened in a very sexy way.  The soda rushes through the sieve of my beard and pours down my shirtless chest, over my six pack abs, and moistens the top of my underwear.

It was awesome.  I was standing in front of a window and actually saw the tree outside shiver with arousal.

That right there is review enough for you.

Tropical Banana

That's all - Tropical Banana.  Not Tropical Banana Fanta or any other brand name, just "Tropical Banana".  No brand name is attached to this, and as far as I can tell no manufacturer either.  Producto Centroamericano Hecho...  Blah blah blah.

Oh, I guess it was made by a joint called Cerveceria Hondurena, they have a crazy website which seems to say that they make things that are wet, including beer.

So it smells awful.  There's nothing good about the fake banana smell ever.  It tastes not great, not even that good, but there's a weird creamy aftertaste which keeps bringing me back.  It has a tang, not like a banana but a bit like a green banana.  Something just a bit off.

In fact, the more I drink it the more the aftertaste pleases me.  If I could get this aftertaste without putting the actual drink in my mouth I think we'd have something.

Holy shit, I got it.  The drink tastes like spray paint smells, but in a good way.  I like the spray paint smell, I find the same pleasure in this that I find in the odor of non-metallic sprays.  Nice.  That's it entirely.

I want these people to make a cola, it would be fantastic.  Seriously, if fake banana - the worst taste ever - is this good coming from them then they would be able to make poop taste magnifico.

All in all, this stuff deserves a magnificent review about how complexely bad/good it is, but my new austerity style reviews can't handle that.

Crush Strawberry

Or Strawberry Crush.  Whatev.  The best thing about this stuff is how little it tastes like strawberry.  If I squint my taste buds, it runs through like Strawberry Twizzler, or cherry something. 

When it comes to chemical flavoring, strawberry is second in awful only to banana.  This stuff somehow does it right.  And it's not too fizzy, either.