Saturday, November 1, 2008

Bahamas VIII: Mrs French's AK-100 Vanilla Corn Drink

Who the Hell Goes to the Bahamas? Eighth and Final Installment


Before the Ring of Comprehend Languages...


...and after.



If I could strike that hand from my body, I would.

My eyes tell it all.

I don't know if this photo is of me trying to not vomit
right after the first drink,
or nerving myself up for a second drink. Either way I look hilariously unhappy.


Mrs French's AK-100 Vanilla Corn Drink
or
Acassan de la Senora French AK-100 de Mme French
by French's Drinks


If I was being generous, I would say that Mrs. French's AK-100 Vanilla Corn Drink tasted like burned chocolate. That's what I would say to get you assholes to drink it, so I could see your faces and then laugh. Instead, I'm going to tell you the truth. It tastes like sucking the cock off a rotten corpse, and I mean OFF, not on. Like you suck on it till the whole skin casing breaks loose and slides into your throat, bringing most of the insides with it. It dissolves into a mess of rancid fat and decaying veins leavened in congealed blood, smearing through your mouth like Vaseline.

You spit it out but it's too late, your tongue has had a stroke and you've defecated in your pants. You can never forget the horror of it and the taste will live with you for the rest of your days.

I thought about writing this up like a Lovecraft "found narrative" parody, but Lovecraft deals in cosmic horror, this is visceral. This is like sucking puss out of the drainage tubes where your dog got stitches.

This drink is very, very bad and I do not know why it exists in this world. It truly makes me wonder if we do, indeed, live in Hell and this is a drink devised for the exceptionally bad sinners out there. It is made in France, so does that make them angels or devils? Either way, I am now officially shifting over to the Freedom Fries "bomb the French back to the Stone Age" brigade. Truthfully, I think Stone Age is a little extreme, I'll settle for Pre-Corn Drink Age.

But wait, that was trying to be funny and there is nothing funny about this. I'm writing about utter and complete wrongness, and will try to be truthful and specific not matter how hard it is. I will begin at the beginning.

We were in the Bahamian air port waiting area, waiting to fly home. Having gone through several layers of security, I felt safe. I saw the can of Corn Drink sitting in a refrigerator and bought it. Hurrah!, I think, a new drink to try. What an idiot.

We sit down with our steam tray breakfast and I eat a bit, give the can a good shake up and pop it open. I take a swig, spazz out in some sort of primitive urge to defend myself, then spit the Corn Drink out on my tray. Struggling not to vomit, I snatch up an orange juice container and try to kill the taste. Sadly, the only thing that could kill the taste was a knife and mine was in the check-in baggage.

After a bit of eating, I try it again and force myself to choke it down. It was as bad as the first time and I regretted my sense of fairness.

The plane ride home was spent trying not to think of the stuff, or else I'd've vomited.

The taste is hard to describe. Like I said earlier, a charitable soul would say burned chocolate. A soul that charitable would also forgive my spit roasting their child. The taste is almost forgotten, and I am not going to try to bring that back - instead I'll leave it at that.

The texture though, the consistency... That was what nearly killed me on the first go round, it's thick thick thick and slimy, more like drinking liquid fat than anything wholesome. You know what, as for the taste, go back to paragraph one. There's no truth or goodness left in the world, and no words that can explain what the fuck this is supposed to be.

Once, long ago, I drank out of a container of Gatorade that had sat too long in the refrigerator. It was full of these beautiful colonies of mold, floating globes at least an inch and a half across. I sucked one or two down before I knew what was happening, it was pretty awful in consistency, but not a tenth as bad as this.

I'm getting sick at the memory of it. While writing up my Bahamas notes I've been eating a delicious banana pudding from Sugar Sweet Sunshine, an incredible NYC bakery. The best cupcakes I've ever eaten, puts Magnolias in the dirt. But I can't eat any more of their corn pudding... Look, I just wrote "corn" when I meant "banana." I can't eat any more of the banana pudding now or I will, I swear to God, barf.

You win, Vanilla Corn Drink. You are utterly and completely vile, and you win.

I wish I could fake faces like that, I'd never
pay for another restaurant meal again
.

30 comments :

  1. This entry should be labled pornographic.

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  2. That last photo isn't what you think it is.

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  3. beverages that are the color and viscosity of fresh pus - if that last photo is an indication - should not be allowed for sale for human consumption.

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  4. You neglect to mention the brown flecks suspended in the can - or that may have been exclusive to my particular can of this vile liquid.

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  5. You describe almost exactly my reaction to kiwano fruit. Surprisingly, some people like these fruit, and the guide to eating one almost sounds like it might be bearable: http://www.wikihow.com/Eat-a-Kiwano-(Horned-melon). Anyone who eats anything with horns, containing "small, semi-slimy sacs of fruit" is a braver man than I.

    And for at least attempting to drink that grossness, you, Sir, are a braver man than I also.

    Incidentally, your editing textbox, with no cursors or cut-n-paste, is very annoying indeed.

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  6. Don't you think that there's at least a chance you perhaps got a can which had gone bad? commmon sense would indicate that something which is as foul-tasting as you have described isn't quite the norm (except perhaps in some fictional alien culture, such as the Klingon Empire)...?

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  7. Actually, I am entirely willing to admit that it was a bad can of the stuff and would happily have another "go" at it. I've lived a pretty exciting life, after all.

    I can't find it to order it. I somehow managed to track down the folks in FL that distribute it, was given the name of a distributor in NYC that didn't exist. Then all of my paperwork burst into flame and I gave up.

    But I wouldn't for a moment doubt that this WAS a perfectly normal can. There are enough fucked up things in the world, and enough cultural differences, that horrors abound.

    Pickle juice? People drink it with relish (so to speak). Bacon fat? My grandfather used it like butter on toast. Bright green dog snot? I've seen a girl eat it on a dare. And these humble things are just from my personal experience. Go look up maggot cheese for some proper perspective.

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  8. Oh, and diworgan, I bought and tried to eat a Horned Kiwi Melon once. I choked down about half, went to the internet and looked it up, and read that was considered "semi-poisonous" and just used as a decoration.

    I'm suspicious of these pro-eat-the-horned-kiwi-melon, figuring them to be similar to the Jankum thing.

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  9. dude- the taste isn't so bad, once you get over the texture. come on. we "poured" it into a glass, so were properly warned about the insane vicosity of the shit. but once we got over the initial shock, it was a kinda tasty treat. it's pudding, no doubt, not a beverage, but entertaining nonetheless.

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  10. That was the greatest thing ever written. It's like the "Book of Revelations" of reviews. Also I'm never typing a sentance with "of" in it twice again.

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  11. If you thought that was funny, you'll pee your pants when I get cancer.

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  12. This was the first post of yours I read and it is still by far the best. The other day, looking for coconut juice at my favorite bodega, I came across several cans of Mrs. French's AK-100 Vanilla Corn Drink. I have a can sitting in my fridge which I will open as soon as I get the courage.

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  13. You said "bodega". Does this mean you are in NYC? If so, where is this bodega what has some of this hell brew?

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  14. Unfortunately, no. Cambridge, MA. This guy has a tiny shop on the first floor of his house, so narrow that only two people can fit in the aisle at once.

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  15. The aisles are only two people wide?, so I wouldn't be able to fit my Hoveround in anyways.

    I did find this: http://stores.xnicstore.com/-strse-1016/MRS.-FRENCH%27S-AK-dsh-100-ACASSAN/Detail.bok

    They only have the one flavor, though, and I understand there are several.

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  16. I love it ---Kinda reminds me of a milk shake

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  17. I didn't know "dead lady vagina" was a milkshake flavor.

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  18. Just cracked the can, finally. It is the color of the inside of a malted milk ball and has the thickness of baby vomit. Texturally, it is like a pureed soup that has not been strained. Rather, a soup that has been strained but the remnants are what was served. The flavor isn't terrible, very vanilla-y and something reminiscent of cinnamon. Basically it should be a dessert at a greek restaurant, not a beverage. Granted, had I never read this review and had no idea what to expect I would probably have clawed out my throat.

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  19. Alas, I have been caught. By writing negative reviews of delicious soft drinks, I hope to drive others away from them - leaving more for me.

    And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you meddling kids.

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  20. You are a total fucking idiot . Stay home and eat more donuts , asshole !

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  21. this AK-100 is well done. It is very like the arkasan we made in Haiti. Most Haitians like. I drink it almost every day of the week.

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    Replies
    1. Okay, seriously: What do you like about this? I've only had the one can and you can see what happened to me, is my experience typical? Is it supposed to have a congealed fat texture? Was my can atypical?

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  22. tim, I'm haitian and agree with your hilarious and accurate description.

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  23. Tim Akassan is best when freshly made and AK-100 has commercialized it adding things that don`t belong in it. It has cinnamon, anes star, main ingredient corn flour. Very good breakfast drink I like it warm like hot chocolate

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    Replies
    1. I'm completely sure that the stuff in a can is completely different than the stuff the can is imitating. I didn't know it was made with corn flour, my assumption based on what I had was the corn was somehow pulped and jellied and processed through a cat or something.

      Delete
  24. fuck you white boy go suck on a corpse rotten dick

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    Replies
    1. I'd dig up your father and suck his but it'd just taste like bacon grease and your anus.

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  25. You are one of those people when you were a kid has some stupid habits like: following dogs, cats and other animals waiting for them to poop and eat their shit. By doing that so often, your body testing system become allergic to any thing that taste good. Why don't you confess water has the same taste in your mouth too. I can't come out with a name to combine ignorance, stupid, retarded, imbecile, idiot to tag you with. Why don't you come to Queens, NY to cure your disease with some Haitian AK 100 (acassan).

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    Replies
    1. I think you need to read up on how allergies develop and try again.

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  26. Thank you for the previous comment! Sir you are truly ignorant and hope you learn some culture.

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