Skeleteen's Black Lemonade

Black Lemonade, Skeleteens/Eat Me Foods

I can do this...

Surely they can't all be that bad.

I look like I just shat my pants. I wish it was that pleasant.

Here's where I think I blacked out a little.

Okay, so these folks made the Brainwash drink, so I was expecting the worst. My first drink wasn't as bad as I'd feared, but I mean that in the same way that it's not so bad when someone trying to crap in your mouth misses and and it lands on your neck. You're lying there feeling miserable, with a length of hot shit draped under your chin like a necklace, but you're thinking "At least it didn't get in my mouth or my nose. Or my eyes. That would've definitely been worse." That, by the way, is why I wear glasses.

I don't know what's in this crap, but it turned my tongue blue after ONE DRINK. It made little burning spots on my tongue, like rubbing lemon into a cut. It makes my throat burn and bubble in a heart burney way. And, most importantly, it tastes like soap. It's as if the aforementioned shitter had eaten nothing but vaseline, onions, and potpourri before letting go in my mouth.

Tongue discoloration after one drink.
One hideous, ill-advised drink.

It has that same aftertaste that you get when you get a bunch of soap in your mouth. Maybe when your scrubbing the poop off your tongue, from earlier. I can imagine a person saying "I like the BUUUUUURRRNNNN in my mouth and throat! It's extreme and is all that can get through my jaded senses." But nobody likes eating soap. Not even mint soap.

After two or three drinks I can feel the bile rising in the back of my throat. I don't think it's doing any sort of thing that bile normally does, instead I think it's marching through my throat and into my sinuses. There the bile will dig through into my brain and take control. First it will have me pour the Black Lemonade down the sink, then it will make me jump out a window so I don't have to remember the taste.

Mind you, the stuff is THIS BAD but still not as bad as the "Brainwash" I drank a while ago.

...

Those three dots represent me spending some time on the internet cheating and looking this crap up. Now I have mixed feelings as it seems that the Skeleteens company was somehow trying to identify with some sort of counter culture indy company model. It's kind of "punk rock". Sadly, this means I have change my viewpoint:

"Black Lemonade" and "Brainwash" are the high school zines of the soda world. Poorly thought out and unpleasant to consume, they are still supposedly "real" precisely because they are so different from main stream. Because they're so poorly done, that makes them more legitimate.

Further internetting reveals that Skeleteens went out of business. It's unclear if they still make the stuff, one source said that occasional batches are still made, other sources say the stuff is just laying around warehouses. Maybe the crap I'm drinking is old, that would explain the layer of scum in the Brainwash bottle .

I only drank a third of the Black Lemonade bottle. I think I'll set it aside till I have to do one of those "pouring out a 40 for the homies who ain't here" things. Of course, it'd have to be for someone I really disliked.

Hey Buck, c'mere and have a drink.
Join me in sweet oblivion.

Buck says "no".

This photo is misleading. I'm actually refilling the bottle.