Saturday, September 13, 2008

Skeleteen's Black Lemonade

Black Lemonade, Skeleteens/Eat Me Foods


I can do this...



Surely they can't all be that bad.


I look like I just shat my pants. I wish it was that pleasant.


Here's where I think I blacked out a little.




Okay, so these folks made the Brainwash drink, so I was expecting the worst. My first drink wasn't as bad as I'd feared, but I mean that in the same way that it's not so bad when someone trying to crap in your mouth misses and and it lands on your neck. You're lying there feeling miserable, with a length of hot shit draped under your chin like a necklace, but you're thinking "At least it didn't get in my mouth or my nose. Or my eyes. That would've definitely been worse." That, by the way, is why I wear glasses.

I don't know what's in this crap, but it turned my tongue blue after ONE DRINK. It made little burning spots on my tongue, like rubbing lemon into a cut. It makes my throat burn and bubble in a heart burney way. And, most importantly, it tastes like soap. It's as if the aforementioned shitter had eaten nothing but vaseline, onions, and potpourri before letting go in my mouth.


Tongue discoloration after one drink.
One hideous, ill-advised drink.


It has that same aftertaste that you get when you get a bunch of soap in your mouth. Maybe when your scrubbing the poop off your tongue, from earlier. I can imagine a person saying "I like the BUUUUUURRRNNNN in my mouth and throat! It's extreme and is all that can get through my jaded senses." But nobody likes eating soap. Not even mint soap.

After two or three drinks I can feel the bile rising in the back of my throat. I don't think it's doing any sort of thing that bile normally does, instead I think it's marching through my throat and into my sinuses. There the bile will dig through into my brain and take control. First it will have me pour the Black Lemonade down the sink, then it will make me jump out a window so I don't have to remember the taste.

Mind you, the stuff is THIS BAD but still not as bad as the "Brainwash" I drank a while ago.

...

Those three dots represent me spending some time on the internet cheating and looking this crap up. Now I have mixed feelings as it seems that the Skeleteens company was somehow trying to identify with some sort of counter culture indy company model. It's kind of "punk rock". Sadly, this means I have change my viewpoint:

"Black Lemonade" and "Brainwash" are the high school zines of the soda world. Poorly thought out and unpleasant to consume, they are still supposedly "real" precisely because they are so different from main stream. Because they're so poorly done, that makes them more legitimate.

Further internetting reveals that Skeleteens went out of business. It's unclear if they still make the stuff, one source said that occasional batches are still made, other sources say the stuff is just laying around warehouses. Maybe the crap I'm drinking is old, that would explain the layer of scum in the Brainwash bottle .

I only drank a third of the Black Lemonade bottle. I think I'll set it aside till I have to do one of those "pouring out a 40 for the homies who ain't here" things. Of course, it'd have to be for someone I really disliked.



Hey Buck, c'mere and have a drink.
Join me in sweet oblivion.


Buck says "no".


This photo is misleading. I'm actually refilling the bottle.

12 comments :

  1. Wow, great review. No. Black Lemonade is delicious. One of the greatest sodas ever.

    Go back to your New Coke poser.

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  2. Tim, please tell me your anonymous commenters are a put on.

    If not, they might be one of the funniest things about your site, which isn't to say that your reviews haven't had me laughing out loud.

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  3. Reading this review made me throw up almost. I was tempted to try this. Thank you for bringing me to my senses.

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  4. No funnel to pour the bowl into the soda bottle?

    I suppose the chunks would clog it anyhow.

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  5. I love it. best. soda. ever. one bottle of it will keep you awake for a week.

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  6. try mixing it with booze

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  7. how could you not like black lemonade?

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  8. It does not taste like soap it tastes like diluted lemon juice and sprite! it is good!

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  9. After reading the post on the Brainwash drink by Skeleteen and finding the drink not to be as horrible as it is stated here I was a bit optimistic about Black Lemonade. I agree with the last post. It taste like diluted lemon juice... and a flat sprite. It is ok. Not something I would buy again, but I would drink it if offered by someone. It seemed like almost all the comments feel that the drink isn't that bad. I can only assume that blogger either had a old bottle or his taste buds are already shot from drinking all the other drinks he have blogged about.

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  10. This review made me laugh because it's funny as hell, but I have to disagree with at least the parts told about the drink's taste. I personally like the taste, as it does not resemble soap, shit or anything else mentioned in the review. It's sour, plain and simple. And if you like anything sour, Black Lemonade is worth at least a try.

    Despite the taste of Black Lemonade, I can see that Skeleteens label it as some pretentious, 'counter-culture' soda, where in reality, it's just a damn drink.

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  11. I like all the brain wash, black lemonade stuff, some better than others. Jeepers, and where have you been eating soap? Did you swear at your mom a lot as a kid?

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  12. I wouldn't at all be surprised if he did have an old bottle. This stuff really has been left in a warehouse to be sold in a piecemeal fashion.

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