Monday, December 8, 2008

Blue Sky Black Cherry Cherish

The can looks like it's wrapped in some kind
of pre-EU currency from a European micro-republic.

Notice that my Aryan Nation haircut is finally growing out.

And then, Oh no! Shanked in the belly.

Blue Sky Black Cherry Cherish

This stuff hearkens back to the bad times I had with the "sour cherry" Greek drink and Polish cherry syrup. It's sour, almost bitter, and has an odd chemical taste. It has a bunch of strange flavors hidden inside of it, none of them very good. This foul host is followed by a phalanx of after taste calculated to clean up any survivors. Fear it.

A few drinks in, I figure out what I was tasting: The closest thing I've tasted to this are inflatable vinyl toys. Yep. The kind you have to blow up yourself because you don't have an airhose. I wonder if I drink this for a half an hour if it'll make me woozy, too.

I'll go ahead and confess that the last time I tasted that inflatable vinyl taste was inflating a blow up sex doll for a friends bachelor party. We made him crawl through giant tube full of dead squid, pornography, a spiky durian, and said blow up doll, all the while filling the tube with icy water. It was great. That blow up doll was disturbing, it had these pull-tab "hymen" things blocking all of its orifices. And the face was a photograph of a real person, a porn star I presume. That part was as creepy as fuck.

Anyways, this Blue Sky Black Cherry Cherish crap is vicious. Every sip tastes like something different, and usually something foul. It tastes like a Bosch painting, I think, with something evil and unique at every turn.

Ok, this stuff is pretty awful. I'm going to commit some ice cream to it and try and see if can be made into a float...

Looks innocent enough, but so does an eye dropper full of e. coli.
The actual stuff was more of a brown color,
the photo doesn't do it justice.

My stomach churns just looking at the photo.

First off, the color revolted me when I poured the soda into a glass. The only thing "cherry" that should be that color is my daughters hymen. When she's sick. There comes a time when artificial coloring is a great idea, certain things need it. Cherry soda for certain, margarine being another example. I was reading a book recently about rationing during WWII, they mentioned that certain items became more expensive both cash and ration points-wise after they were aesthetically treated for consumer sale. Margarine was their example, quadrupling in price if you bought it with yellow coloring already added. The savvy shopper bought the yellow coloring and the au naturale margarine separately for big savings.

That margarine has to be colored is pretty gross. I mean, I knew it was artificially colored but I assumed that was part of what made margarine into margarine - just like you can't add granular sugar to Coca Cola. This breaks the whole raw and cooked process.

Anyways, I made the float and my first sip, I shit you not, tasted like the big jar of creamed herring I have the refrigerator. A big jar, by the way, that I have to throw out soon as I suspect it's going bad. Turns out my creamed herring eyes were bigger than my creamed herring stomach, not that I didn't try my hardest. The stuff just keeps puffing up, though, I'd eat a bunch and the next time I opened it the jar was almost full. Magic, like the renewing coin poor whatsisname has at the end of Mazes and Monsters.

That taste went away after that first sip, as did the horror show of morphing flavors I got when drinking it straight. The vanilla ice cream mellowed it out. It's still not good but it is certainly drinkable. The smell has taken an exceedingly interesting turn, smelling like my grandparents old house a few hours after they'd cooked bacon. Imagine that with a hint of sour cherries, and that's the smell.

You know, rereading the above makes me wonder if I had a stroke while drinking this.


  1. you are truly revolting.

  2. I'm merely the messenger, a humble interpreter of horrors I did not wish upon the world.

  3. hymen references aside, where can i pick up the stuff?

  4. You can buy it at pretty much any health food store without its customers best interests at heart. I bought it in Bay Ridge at 86th and 3rd Ave.

    Don't buy it.

  5. You don't like anything. If you were standing at the gates of Paradise you'd bitch about the squeeky hinge...

  6. If the hinges were squeaky I'd know it was a trick, I wasn't really in Heaven at all. For Heaven is perfection in all its forms.

    "You shall not suffer a squeaky hinge to live"

  7. Talking about the color of your daughter's hymen is just weird, man.

  8. Hi,
    You seem to have tried everything. My husband and I are just back from southern Poland where I had a pint of what was labelled *Dukat*. Never saw it before or after but after having a few sips I came up with the term 'cherry cider'. Would someone out there know about that? I meant to ask the waitress about the percentage but she was busy & we were off to the next shtetl. Take care in the heat.
    Ellen Miriam Pedersen, Valby, Denmark

  9. I have no idea about your Polish drink. If it's alcoholic I avoid it. I even avoid the "naturally carbonated" sodas, as they have too much alcohol in them.

    Poland rocks though. Hope you went to that gigantic salt mine, I think it's near Warsaw.