Monday, September 29, 2008

Vernor's, the Original Ginger Soda

Trip to Michigan, Part IV - The Final Chapter

If my trip to Michigan were a game, this would be the boss monster.

This is the side you put the knife in.

This is Phredd's Dad's kitchen.
Those are his chairs in the background.

This doesn't smell like ginger anything.
It smells like a trick.

Please use that flower decorated glass to ornament my grave.
Real flowers are so wasteful.

I can just spit this on the floor, right?
I mean, it's linoleum so there shouldn't be a problem.*

Vernor's, the Original Ginger Soda

Vernor's is a many storied drink. As soon as I mentioned a trip to Michigan, people started talking Vernor's. Some in the hushed tones used in Dunwich to speak of that which is not to be named, some in the hushed tones of Bible people who can't say "Jehovah". My travel buddy Phredd boasts about how great it is, another guy said he wouldn't wash his brushes in it. After a taste, I can't agree with either of those folks, but only because I don't have any brushes to wash.

First off, it isn't a ginger ale or ginger beer, and doesn't claim to be. It's a ginger soda. The Original ginger soda. I guess making up terms lets you be the original anything. I'm the original "Hoopak Devooloo Hop-Stomper", because no one else has thought to call themselves that. And, like Vernor's, I'm sure it's a stupid enough thing to not attract imitators, making the claim of originality a moot point.

I took a drink of the stuff and became confused. So many insulting things came bubbling up into my head. Unfortunately, those insulting things were the carbonation bubbles of the Vernor's. Each bubble ran up into my sinuses and popped with a little "fuck you" or "fuck you, Tim." Some insulted the vocational school I attended, others made fun of my cats.

"Gack!", I say, "it tastes like nasty bubble gum."

"Tim," says Phredd, "You say everything tastes like bubble gum."

This point I conceded, because A) it's true and B) I'd seen the bad-ass photograph of Phredd being a kung-fu guy with knives. It scared the hell out of me, and I wasn't going to disagree with Phredd over anything at this point. Instead, I saw the angry look in Phredd's eye and quietly choked down another drink.

I didn't say out loud that it even smelled like bubble gum. I can only write this because by the time Phredd reads it, he'll be in Britain and I'll be safe from his kung-fu grip. Unless he can do that karate thing where his arm stretches out super long like the witch doctor guy in that side view fighting game. I'm sure if he could do that I'd've seen it by now, so I'll take my chances. I mean, c'mon, if you could make your arm stretch out super long you'd be doing it all the time, right? I'm safe.

Phredd, can I have a clean glass?
I think a clown shat in this one.

I'll take another chance and ask "Why would anyone bother to drink this stuff?" It's not hideously offensive, but it just isn't good. I think in my confused spluttering I told Phredd it reminded me of deep fried whole songbirds - if you're from them there parts then you love it. I'll add an addendum to the Vernor's and say "you'll love it if your from them there parts and you ain't never known no better."

This is an instance where I want to radio Coca-Cola and call in a saturation bombing campaign on the red states where the sell this ridiculous drink. Please Cola Gods! Hear my prayer! Raise your bloody fist and smite this wicked, backwards beverage! Destroy it with caffeine and corn syrup! Salt the earth from which it sprang! Drive it into the Great Lakes and then set them afire! Do not suffer it to live!

"Tim, drink the rest of that or my Dad won't let you sleep in the house."

My wife likes Vernor's. She told me so this morning. I'm going to go ahead and give in now and take back all the bad things I said about the stuff and say it's great. The best thing I ever drank. Not even God could make a better soda, not even with a spice grinder full of puppies to sweeten it with. Vernor's is the best.

Here officer, here's a drawing of the beast.
He... he did... terrible things... in my mouth...
Yes officer, I made the drawing on my iPhone.
Oh, I dunno, it's okay. I mean I'm glad I bought it
and feel it's worth the extra money, but I feel it could be
better designed. And the batteries don't last that long.
If you look at my soft drink blog you can see that the
built in camera has trouble in low light. I'd recommend
it though. What? Google is coming out with a phone?
How come no one told me this!

*My mouth is extra puckery and puffy because my lip is full of stitches and pus. I wish I could make a face that miserable and pissy looking in my day to day tastings. It is just happy serendipity that I happened to have just had some Vernor's and really needed that ugly look.


  1. Hah! Hilarious! I happen to like one thing about Vernor's. Like Coke, it bites your throat all the way down. It makes you feel tough, like you're drinking whiskey. BahHHH! That hurts so goooood.

  2. There is nothing good about Vernor's. It deserves to burn in hell, not in the throat. In fact, I'd wager it tastes better on the way out than in.

    This is not a laughing matter.

  3. Actually, I know dim mak, the death touch. Before we split up, I applied it to you, but left it quiescent. I shall now activate it by letting you know that the next time you see Pringles, you will die horribly.

  4. Don't have time to read your post, too busy applying the Quivering Palm to myself.

  5. i only have vernors if i have an upset tummy. but usually i grab 7-up instead

  6. Vernor's probably gave you that upset stomach.

  7. It's a Michigan thing and we love it. You East Coast, liberal candy-asses would never understand...

  8. Dude, I'm liberal but not THAT liberal. Vernor's should be expunged from our Earth by sword and flame.

    "You shall not suffer a witch to live"

  9. tim h When you eat a shit hogdog. Do you always wash it down with a pissshake ??? LOL

  10. I hope "pissshake" is some confused slang for when you try to masturbate and urine keeps coming out.

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