The Saddest New Year's Eve Party Ever

This is Better...

...than anything I've ever done with this dumb blog.  Here.

This is a page from a notebook that the poster found somewhere.  Back when I was a kid we'd order mixed sodas and called them "suicides".  "Can I have an orange and Coke and 7-Up suicide, please."

A lot of these seem pretty safe, Sept 30th gave five stars to "pink lemonade, cranberry juice, sierra mist".  That sounds like something my wife would drink.  September 29th, though, gives two stars to Sierra Mist, orange juice and Dr. Pepper - this would seem to indicate that the tester wasn't an insane person.

Notice that the uncolored pieces are also unrated, the tester planned/drew out a number of tests in the future and was then coloring  the sodas in and assigning ratings later.  The drawings aren't of the actual unmixed sodas but are really just a graphical way to represent the proportions of what went into them - which is great.  I do not demand photorealism in my mixed soda visuals.

The most important thing to walk away with from this would be a wariness towards Fruit Punch and Mountain Dew mixed in a 60/40 ratio.  It's the last completed entry and might have very well been what killed the tester and caused the discontinuation of the experiment.

But, this is pretty and maybe I should recreate some of this on my own...


(Thank you Sherry W. for sharing the link to this great image)

Blue Collar Coke

The fountain dispenser at Blue Collar in Williamsburg has the best fountain Coke of my adult life. Syrupy and sweet, I wish they had crushed ice.

The counter person affirmed that it was regular Coke but suggested that maybe the awesome old fashioned soda machine had something to do with it. Not in a mystic way but something to do with the syrup ratio or something.

Hamburger is pretty good too.

Watt's Tower Seven-Up

This isn't the kind of lime that normally goes in cement. 

This photo courtesy of our field correspondent traveling through L.A.  You might recognize it from Grand Theft Auto - San Andreas.

Dark Berry Mountain Dew

The most important thing to know as we move forward with this review is that I am a seriously handsome guy.  My beard is lush and waves in the wind, I haven't a single feature that would be described as other than "finely chiseled".  When I move my head hair tosses and eyes twinkle, when I shrug well-toned muscles ripple, and when I walk all the ladies swoon - and many of the men.

So here's the high point of this review for you, dear reader:  I open the bottle of Dark Berry Mountain Dew, toss my head back with all the requisite waving of hair and rippling of muscles, and take a drink.  The first bit there was pretty good, but it gets better:  Dark Berry Mountain Dew sloshes out of the corner of my mouth, it sounds silly but I assure you it happened in a very sexy way.  The soda rushes through the sieve of my beard and pours down my shirtless chest, over my six pack abs, and moistens the top of my underwear.

It was awesome.  I was standing in front of a window and actually saw the tree outside shiver with arousal.

That right there is review enough for you.

Tropical Banana

That's all - Tropical Banana.  Not Tropical Banana Fanta or any other brand name, just "Tropical Banana".  No brand name is attached to this, and as far as I can tell no manufacturer either.  Producto Centroamericano Hecho...  Blah blah blah.

Oh, I guess it was made by a joint called Cerveceria Hondurena, they have a crazy website which seems to say that they make things that are wet, including beer.

So it smells awful.  There's nothing good about the fake banana smell ever.  It tastes not great, not even that good, but there's a weird creamy aftertaste which keeps bringing me back.  It has a tang, not like a banana but a bit like a green banana.  Something just a bit off.

In fact, the more I drink it the more the aftertaste pleases me.  If I could get this aftertaste without putting the actual drink in my mouth I think we'd have something.

Holy shit, I got it.  The drink tastes like spray paint smells, but in a good way.  I like the spray paint smell, I find the same pleasure in this that I find in the odor of non-metallic sprays.  Nice.  That's it entirely.

I want these people to make a cola, it would be fantastic.  Seriously, if fake banana - the worst taste ever - is this good coming from them then they would be able to make poop taste magnifico.

All in all, this stuff deserves a magnificent review about how complexely bad/good it is, but my new austerity style reviews can't handle that.

Crush Strawberry

Or Strawberry Crush.  Whatev.  The best thing about this stuff is how little it tastes like strawberry.  If I squint my taste buds, it runs through like Strawberry Twizzler, or cherry something. 

When it comes to chemical flavoring, strawberry is second in awful only to banana.  This stuff somehow does it right.  And it's not too fizzy, either.