San Pellegrino Limonata

Italian soft drinks for sale: Only dropped once.

Right as I drank, I got ninja-starred in the forehead.
The horror.

San Pellegrino Limonata

I had this stuff while over at my pal Dino's for dinner. I think Dino made a sort of beef soup stuff, I forget the classy name for it. Beef bourgnine? Mourgnine? It's something pretty common and I feel like an ass for not remembering. Margarine? Doesn't matter as it was good and not something I'd ever seen anyone make from scratch.

He gave me a "San Pellegrino Limonata" to drink, he'd had a six-pack delivered along with a bunch of stuff from Fresh Direct I think. Or at least from a grocery. I remember because it was a big to-do about the delivery stuff as the van had a break down. Exciting times.

The limonata was classy looking. It had a tear off tin foil top, I hated the waste of it but couldn't help but admit that it's a good idea. Or at least it would be a good idea if this were the sort of soda that was sold out-of-date in discount delis, the sort of drinks that are always covered in dirt and foulness and sticky. This is an Eye-tahlian fancy drink, it'll never see the broken end of the freezer section. The foil, I think, is overkill, just there as a gimmick.

All this classy is reinforced by the tiny little drinkin' hole, more of a sipping hole compared to what I'm accustomed to. The Italians must be half camel.

I like most things that are lemon flavored, but it's an easy thing to mess up. I'd half expected to be poisoned after my first San Pellegrino drink, but was instead pleasantly surprised. Very lemon juicy, not too sweet, but still good. I like ass loads of sugar in my lemonade but was happy with this.

It burps up well, and was lemony enough to make me phlegm up but not so much as to make me miserable.

Stroganoff. That's what Dino made, beef stroganoff.

Sanbitter, a non-alcoholic Italian apertif

Sanbitter, a non-alcoholic Italian apertif
by San Pelligrino, owned by Hershey's

I should've let go when I had the chance.


I bet this'll taste great! I hope it's cherry flavored.


It gave me a menses moustache.

Nothing better than sharing something this awful.


Victory! Some small good came of this hideous stuff.


Eating toast will help kill the aftertaste,
sadly I'm on Adkins.

I think "apertif" means "shit on your tongue" in Italian. This stuff is foul without even trying. The "Black Lemonade" crap was hideous, but it puts a lot of effort into tasting like crap - Sanbitter tastes awful standing on its head. The only good thing about this crap is that it comes in a small bottle.

This stuff left me so upset, I had to call the 800 number on the bottle. Instead of poison control, I was put in touch with a very polite San Pellegrino representative who gave me a website link which explained the stuff. Unable to make sense of the website, I had to ask for a summary, I was told: It's a flavored water. That's terrible, because I can almost imagine someone fucking up soda this badly, but to make water this foul is a stretch. The secret might be that Sanbitter contains chinotto, a small bitter citrus fruit from an orange tree from roundabouts Italy. The chinotto are harvested from the armpits of housebound invalids by abused orphans, then passed through the digestive tracks of apostate nuns several times before being mixed with dog spittle and squeezed through a spam filter.

One thing the woman on the phone confirmed: It's for drinking. Straight. I'd thought, "Maybe it's like straight lemon juice, and meant to be mixed with other stuff". No. Your supposed to drink it. It might go down easier cut 50/50 with Draino, though.

After I drank this crap, an eagle cried a single tear and said "Never Again".

The stuff is so unnatural, it defies the laws of physics.

Realizing it's own evil nature, it finally relents and commits suicide.

Maybe I can break off the bottle neck
and use it to stab out my taste buds.