Uludag Gazoz

"Uludag Gazoz" sounds like the name of a monster
in the Fiend Folio, a copy of which you can
barely see in the middle left.
Silly Fiend Folio monsters. Only a few were any good,
like the githyanki. The other day I was looking
at a web page for the band "Mindflayer" and they had
something on it about how "githyanki intestines are our costumes".
Ah, the githyanki/mindflayer rivalry, did that make it
into the 3rd and 4th edition?

Uludag Gazoz
FREQUENCY: Rare
NO. APPEARING: 1 or 6
ARMOR CLASS: 7
MOVE: 3"
HIT DICE: 3
% IN LAIR: 90%
TREASURE TYPE: Nil
NO. OF ATTACKS: 1
DAMAGE/ATTACK: Nil
SPECIAL ATTACKS: Save vs Poison or nausea for 2d4 rounds
SPECIAL DEFENSES: Save vs Spells or confusion for 1d6 rounds
MAGIC RESISTANCE: Standard
INTELLIGENCE: Semi-
ALIGNMENT: Neutral Evil
SIZE: S
PSIONIC ABILITY: Nil
Attack/Defense Modes: Nil

Githyanki...

Gack, glub...Oh yeah, that bubblegum/champagne
whatever yuckiness. Wasn't really expecting that.

Uludag Gazoz
Produced by Erbak-Uludag of Bursa-Turkey for Sama Foods of London

Another utterly generic champagne/raspberry/bubble-gum soda. Smells better than the average, tastes a little better too, not that this doesn't mean it tastes like crap. It isn't crazy tasting, not as strong a flavor as these things usually kick out. Ehh... Boring. I guess I'll be able to finish this one, which is a point in its favor. It's not too foul.

The label identifies it as 'Fruits Flavoured "Fizzy" Soft Drink'. I like that it has a mix of English English, "Flavoured", and not-good English, "Fruits". Not much else to like, though.

Boring taste. And has nothing to do with Thanksgiving.

The real treat of this soda is the mystery of how it got here. I mean after the "momma and poppa soda fall in love" part. It was made in Turkey for a company in London. So the stuff goes to London. It hangs out there for a few years, gets tired of the scene and somehow makes its way across the sea to New York. Probably by raft. A short while in NYC finds its dreams shattered, and the can winds up in a Middle-Eastern deli in Bay Ridge.

How awesome is that.

Ülker Link Lemon Aromated Soft Drink

Why does the can have to say "refreshing"? Now I feel pressured.

Ülker Link Lemon Aromated Soft Drink

At first drink I wasn't impressed. A very lemony soda, not much else. The waxy aftertaste was less than impressive. But then I looked at the can again, and read that this is a "Lemon Aromated Soft Drink." I love that. What the hell does "aromated" mean? Can I have it done to me when I'm dead? Aromated is a great, great word. All the better in that it doesn't pass spell check.

Look at the funny pull tab. Why can't they make pull tabs proper,
like us Americans? And look at how
they misspell "lemon" half the time.

Speaking of dead things, among the few English words on the can are "Attention!...Keep cool and away from direct sunlight". Just like a corpse, or an undead. I guess an undead is still a corpse, right? Either way, don't let Link Lemon Aromated Soft Drink bite you - zombie bite or vampire bite, neither is good in the long run.


"Lemuel, I think Hank got bit by an Ülker Link Lemon Aromated Soft Drink can during that last supply raid."


"If it's true, then he's dead to us, Zeke. He'll be aromated before sunset. We'll put on a real nice feed for him, and then put him down. Do we have any Olde Cape Cod BBQ Sauce? It goes great with everything."

Even though English is used on half the can for the draw in graphics, the ingredients are listed in Turkish, German, French, and Ancient Greek. Muddling through, I can read that the stuff is 3% "jus de citron", which I assume means fruit juice and not citric acid. Three percent juice is pretty good for any faux juice beverage, good work Ülker. Of course, Coca Cola used to have a small amount of real lemon juice in it too, till they figured out that chemicals gave a more consistent favor.

Honestly, I'm a fan of consistent flavor in my soft drinks. I don't like it when they fuck around with my expectations. If you have a batch that tastes different than the norm, put it in a different colored can and call it "Extreme" or "Original Formula".

Not that I've ever experienced Link Lemon Aromated Soft Drink having any inconsistency in taste. It's always tasted perfectly identical, from the first taste of the single can I drank to the last sip of that same can - of course I've only had one can.

I will drink this soda again, should it be foolish enough to cross my path. However, I kind of hope it stays out of my way.

Sniff...

...and recoil.