Saturday, January 28, 2012

Double Cola

When I squint those two humps look either like
a butt or boobs, I can't decide.

The best thing about Double Cola is that it's "Bottled Under the Authority of Double Cola - USA". Seriously, I doubt that this stuff is put out by more than one bottler, and I bet that bottler is a guy stirring a big vat in his shed fearin' of the revenuers.

Double Cola is okay. Not great. It's unusual for me not to say about a cola that "'s still better than Coke or Pepsi". Well, this time I can't say that with all earnestness. It's good, it's not too syrupy, but it has a carbonated water taste that I don't really like.

It's made with "invert sugar", whatever that means. The sweetness is fine, I ain't got no trouble with that. It's just the weird aftertaste. I'll drink the whole bottle, though - fear not.

So yeah. A little boring, the review I mean. Sorry.

Friday, January 27, 2012

What the hell is this?

Ha ha! I'm a business and I'll rip you off for $1-20. I don't know what is selling but I don't think any of it's real. Hey, please mail me 3 lbs of Google.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Rollers at 7-11

The Slurpees at the 7-11 in downtown manhattan are pretty awful. The machines are seldom cleaned but the flavors often changed, yielding banana flavored Mountain Dew and other terrible tastes. One clerk actually had the nerve to claim the the varieties tasted mixed because the machines leaked into one another, a lie which if true must violate health codes. I also suspect that they dilute the mixes with far too much water or something, as halfway through a cup the Slurpee will be drained white as a cave lobster.

It's a cut-rate joint, in my opinion, and not a benefactor of the Brave New World of faux health food classiness that 7-11 adopted during it's Manhattan invasion. I loath being forced to go there, victim of corporate oppressors holding the sole keys of the Slurpee kingdom.

Actually no, I don't blame the corporation - I curse the lazy, corner cutting owners of that particular store. But last visit I suppose I was a victim of heartless corporation savagery. A hard tale, but I share with you the nightmare story of...

The Buffalo Chicken Roller!

WhooOOOooo. Yuuuucky ghost... I didn't know these rollers existed and was slipped one in place of a tacquito treat. The initial bite was a shock, the sort of surprise a bath house frequentor might experience if a strangers penis lacked its normal crunchy, deep fried shell and instead was confronted with a squishy hot dog. The horrible thing tasted like warmed Vienna sausage but was even more lacking in snap or texture. Or maybe it was like an Oscar Meyer take in a banger.

My first bite had me recoiling in horror, and it's hard to recoil from something in your mouth as it comes along with you - it's like trying to outrun your toupee. And it tasted like Buffalo flavored awful.

My first thought was that I had been delivered an improperly cooked food item and was poisoned. Then the roller vs tacquito conversation replayed in my mind, flashback style but in slow motion horror "you'll shoot your eye out kid" Santa-from-A-Christmas-Story style. Pride forbade my returning the thing so I toughed it out.

And I ate it. I did it, a small victory but never again. Never again.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

My Form Letter Meets Your Form Letter and "Fuck" is Involved but not in a Sexy Way

Dear Tim,

Thank you for contacting us at Pepsi-Cola regarding the availability of Caffeine Free Mountain Dew and Mountain Dew Throwback .

I am so sorry you are having a problem locating this product. We do operate under a franchise bottler system and as such, bottlers have the freedom to decide which product flavors and package sizes they will offer. For this reason, local availability can vary across the country.

To locate stores in your local area that might sell our products, (within a 50 mile radius), please log on to Simply click on the STORE LOCATOR tab in the upper right hand corner of the page, select the product you're trying to find, enter your zip code, and you'll see a list of the chain grocery stores and chain pharmacies closest to you that have sold the product in the last 30 days. This information is generated by stores that use computer scanning equipment in their check-out process.

If you would like additional assistance, please call our Consumer Relations department at 1 (800) 433-2652 Monday – Friday, 9am-6pm EST. When calling, please refer to the file number located at the bottom of this email.

Thanks again for contacting us.

Consumer Relations Representative


{\i DID YOU KNOW ... *** All of Pepsi-Cola’s plastic soft-drink bottles contain an average of 10% recycled plastic, and the average aluminum can contains 40% to 50% recycled aluminum. ***}

Dear Pepsico,

You're a bunch of jerks. You can't leave important decisions like this up the bottlers, they're idiots. A fucking bottler can't make a same tasting drink two weeks in a row, yet you trust them to know what the market is? Did no one tell the idiot bottlers that Mountain Dew Throwback would sell out of my local store within a day? Have you ever TRIED Caffeine Free Mountain Dew in the NYC area?

No. Seriously, you should fix this.



Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Koch Industries, Brawny Paper Towels

Not a soda, I know, but I couldn't resist writing a letter to Brawny telling them I wouldn't be buying any more of their paper towels because they are owned by Koch Industries. Seriously, that mustachio'd gentleman who traditionally adorns the wrapper would not approve of what the Koch dicks do.

Here was the response:

Thank you for contacting the Georgia-Pacific Consumer Response Center.
Georgia-Pacific places tremendous importance on the opinions we receive
from our consumers.

Georgia-Pacific is a wholly-owned, independently managed subsidiary of
Koch Industries. Koch companies, the Koch family and Koch foundations
have worked for more than 40 years to make the world a better place by
supporting market-based solutions to society's challenges. The company
believes that emphasis on market-based solutions is important, because
extensive historical and theoretical research shows that economic
freedom best fosters innovation, environmental stewardship and an
improved quality of life throughout society.

If you would like more information about Koch's record of responsible
operations, the company's market-based policy positions or its ongoing
efforts to promote economic freedom, please visit

We appreciate your comments and they have been forwarded to our
marketing personnel and management.

Consumer Response Center | 800-283-5547
I am completely baffled at their belief that economic freedom is equated with environmental stewardship. And the idea that a company can believe anything is ridiculous. It's frightening that I've used these paper towels to blot up messes, as they were obviously designed by retards.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

This Blog isn't Dead, I'm Just Bored...

...because it's fucking boring to write "Oh, this strawberry soda tastes like strawberries but a little chemical fake" for the eight-hundredth time. Seriously, give me a break. I was powered by foulness, by liquid malignancy passed off as child treats. I haven't found a soda evil enough to be reviewed.

And I'm lazy. That too.

I shit you not, I have six milk crates of sodas and threw away another three last time I moved. Soon they'll all be botulism flavored, which at least will give me a run for my money. I can't bring myself to drink another boring god-damn soda.



Shoot me.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Dr. Pepper Fucks Little Guy

So the NY Times has a great article about the big Dr. Pepper snuffing Dublin Dr. Pepper. Which sucks. I had one, it tasted better.


Thursday, January 12, 2012

The Work of the Devil

The world needs more White Castles, not less. Thus is a tragedy, painful and wrong. Seriously, someone needs to fix this.

The truly terrible thing, though, is that this is my fault. All 2012 I've been having my karmic balance aggressively maintained. I got my picture in the NYTimes, which was good, the next day I get a bunch of stitches in my hand - bad. Again and again, these wild swings...

The White Castle was shut down because earlier that day I'd struck up a delightful correspondence with a very respected game writer and it looked like we were sealing a Deal. Ba-zing, there goes the White Castle.

I'm so sorry.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Hotdogs and Chili at White Castle is Okay by Me, not to Give Anything Away

Okay, this is a Nathan's hot dog. Nathan's is a NYC institution type thing, with a delicious ur-restaurant in Coney Island and a handful of exceptionally shitty chain restaurants scattered hither and non. Your average Nathan's hot dog from a non-Coney Island restaurant is awful. Which reminds me:

At a Nathan's in Bay Ridge I laughed at the condiment bar, it had these dipping ladles and all around the troughs of toppings and etc there was food spilled everywhere. It was like the palsy brigade had come through and had a spazz-fest while trying to relish up their hotdogs. I laughed at the implied incompetency of the customers there. But the trouble was not with the retards that eat at Nathan's, it was with the condiment bar itself - the ladle handles were so long that you couldn't lift the ladle straight up out of the troughs without hitting the sneeze guard. You had to turn the ladle half on its side, spilling most of the contents. Hilarious and stupid.

But White Castle has somehow gotten Nathan's hot dogs right. This was one of the best hot dogs I've ever had, seriously. It also lacked that weird Nathan's butter taste that I'm not always a fan of. The mini-hot dog from White Castle is fantastic - soft yet with a slight bit of snap.


The chili, though, warn't so hot. The steak was chewy, the whole thing too greasy. Good as fuck on the hot dog though. Notice that cup behind the chili, it's a Mountain Dew not-Slurpee from a Hess station. It's fantastic.