Thursday, April 30, 2009

Goya Jamaican Ginger Ale

Much like in the GTA games, the Spanish hate the Jamaicans.

Goya Jamaican Style Ginger Beer

Oh my god. It's all the burn you can ever want from a ginger beer without any of the good. Tastes like medicine mixed with jalapenos. I think that macaw on the label must have been trained by the Prince of Lies to scream "fahk you! fahk you, Tim!"

Seriously, this is horrible. Who would drink this? I once drank a novelty ginger ale that was formulated to be novelty hot, I'm not sure if it was as bad as this. The worst part is that I'm really thirsty, so I can't stop drinking it. I drink it and it burns and I drink more to quench the burning, which is like that whole quenching-a-fire-with-a-bucket-of-gasoline thing.

Help me.

Hot aside, it still tastes bad. Like discount medicine that your grandmother gives you just because she has it laying around. "Grandma, no! I don't want to take your out-of-date hormone pills!" "Now Tim, if you don't take them they'll just go to waste. Look at the fine tits on your Grandpa, don't you want some of those?"

But that's a wholly different kind of hot.

You get a half whiff of the stuff before the burning starts, and that split second of flavor is awful. Awful awful awful. It's kind of like... Kind of like some sort of cheap fruit drink mixed with alcohol and poison. And hot peppers. They're on the ingredients list.

Do not drink this crap. It goes down bad and burps up bad. I just took a pull and got distracted looking at some render settings, it sat in my mouth too long and it made me cough/gag. My mouth was full of shitwater that I didn't want to spray on my keyboard, so this cough/choke full of moist ginger ale vapors came out my nose. It hurt. Then I swallowed down the rest of the soda, and that hurt too.

Okay, no more. Down the sink and a big glass of water to flush me out.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Yes, most Mexican Coke has corn syrup in it

So this site linked to one of my posts, a commenter mentioned the rumor that Mexican Coke is now made with corn syrup. I'd like to confirm that rumor, most of the Mexican Coke I've seen over the past seven or eight months is, indeed, made with corn syrup. And beware of the sugared Mexican Coke anyways, it was one of those that set out to wreck my bike and kill me.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

I need a Cocta put in my mouth

You certainly can't say I'm not hopeful.

I've added a "buy Tim stuff from Amazon" button on the left there. Right above the "Share on Facebook" button. You should mash them both down.

Get to work.

You can buy me stuff like this. Don't buy any of the big cases of drinks unless your using a stolen credit card, as the shipping is ludicrously expensive.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

A Slurpee trick

A. Note the Dome on the Mountain Dew Slurpee.

This is a handy trick for easy Slurpee drinking after you've gotten down to about half way through a large sized cup. Eventually the slush level gets low enough that your straw lacks buoyancy/support enough to stick out of the dome. Or at least it doesn't stick out of the dome enough for convenient access.

Rather than removing the lid or engaging in an unnecessary amount of "lip grasping", take the dome and push it down into the cup so that the convexity pops into a concave shape. Voila. You have easy access to the perfectly centered straw, but still have your convenient covering for your remaining drink.

B. Note the "Timulated" dome on this Slurpee.
Mighty convenient, eh?
(Is that a pie on the stove? How old is this photo?)

And your straw is still kept conveniently centered.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Unicorn Chaser, a link, not a review

The Unicorn Chaser is a hilarious idea from one of my favorite buyin' stuff websites.

Thanks Brian.

Of course, there's a catch...

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Pepsi Natural, Journal Entry Seven

All Natural Pepsi, meet all natural tile pear.

Pepsi Natural, Journal Entry Seven:

The story so far:

Part 1

Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6

And now...

So today I ride my bike a long, long way to the one store I KNOW has Pepsi Natural - the Columbus Deli on 18th Avenue and 86th Street. It's cold and my bike has a wonkity-wonkity element to the ride ever since the ugly incident during my first attempt to pick-up some of this alleged wonder drink.

The bike ride is long and cold, but easy. It's all downhill with the wind at my back. All I can think is that the ride back will be colder and more miserable, as it's uphill into the wind. I mosey along and find the place, caddy corner from an all-you-can-eat Chinese restaurant. I knew it. I was sure it was there the other day during the false start bus trip, and now it's confirmed. All you can eat restaurants are a rarity in NYC, one needs to keep track. And I have been forbidden eating dinner as my wife is getting off work early and wants me to eat with her.

What a horrible, selfish person.

Arrive in the deli, snoop around and grab three bottles of Pepsi Natural. All they have left. Hoorah! They also have what appears to be kvass made from apples, but only in super-mega sized bottles that I am loath to carry uphill and into the wind for a long cold ride on my bike. So those are left behind. I'll always miss you, suspicious russian faux alcoholic apple drink. Another time.

The Middle-Eastern fellow at the counter asked me if I was Muslim, making a little "I'm pretending I have a beard" motion with his hands. I said "No, I just have the dopey beard". Ooh. With that level of suave you'd think I was talking to a pretty girl. My drive to self-deprecation overwhelmed my drive to not offend minority religions. Whoops.

I tool around the area trying to find other drinkable novelties. I pick up an imitation Mountain Dew I think I already have, but couldn't risk NOT having, and a few other bits. Nothing important.

Long, long cold ride up hill into the wind back and...


Wow. It's... good. I think. There's a weird tinge in it, something fruity like oranges or apples. The smell is perfect, it's everything Pepsi should smell like. That fruit taste is maddening, the back of the label says that apple juice is present for color but that isn't what I'm tasting.

It's oranges, I swear it. No, apricots. Maybe it's apricots. It's the taste of a marginal citrus fruit that no one sensible every really eats. When that flavor runs out into the light, I get a little suspicious of the whole drink but otherwise it's a good, clean taste. Enjoyable, sweet, and natural tasting. How about that?

Those little marks are from my remaining cat rolling over onto the keyboard when I ate the last bit of asian bakery hotdog bun thing. Poor abused cat, not getting any hotdog to eat.

Yeah, I think it's an apricot flavor. A little bitter, or tart or whatever.

The Pepsi Natural bottle is pretty classy, minimally texted and entirely bare for the upper half. That's how I like my drinks and my women. Wait a minute, there's a relief of a Pepsi logo up at the top, but it's still classy. And the little drink by date is stamped right above that, I guess that's functional classy. Secret classy are the little ring of bumps on the very bottom of the bottle, the pattern is irregular so I sort of wonder if there is some secret purpose to these bumps. I bet they somehow orient the bottle during the manufacturing process to ensure that the "Pepsi Natural" text is printed on the proper side in relation to the relief logo.

The bottle shape is a little sci-fi, a little cartoon-made-real. The color of the Pepsi is a little lighter than your usual, a little browner. Just a shade darker than very strong tea.

So Pepsi Natural medium-rocks. Much much better than regular Pepsi, and better than standard Coke, but NOT better than real sugar Coke.

Edit: A year later I have come to love this stuff. The favorite drink of me and my wife. Of course, they no longer make it, so go to hell Pepsi.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Pepsi Natural, Journal Entry Six

Pepsi Natural, Journal Entry Six:

The crafty Manhattan distribution manager has been out to lunch for six days. I give up. My wife and I bust out the Brooklyn bus map pdf and plan a trip to the other deli that sells Pepsi Natural. A simple bus ride. I call and confirm that they have it in stock.

We set out, it's really cold - our warm day had turned miserable and we are underdressed. Nonetheless, my wife wants ice cream from a chain place on Third Avenue. We walk and walk and don't see it, try to look it up in Google and realize that it must have closed within the past week. Alas. [edit: It didn't, it was just a block further north than we thought it was]. We're hungry so we stop at a family style Italian restaurant, complete with an old guy singing love songs. Sad that these were wasted on a married couple.

We emerge from the restaurant into the thickest fog I can remember seeing in NYC. Visibility peters out at about three blocks, fog horns rumble out on the river. We head home, this is not a good night for adventures that don't involve murder and/or zombies.


I made another dream drawing out of one of our cats. It's far too horrible to show, but I'm copyrighting the Pepsi logo I made. It's... unique.

My whole Pepsi Natural Saga:

The Prelude
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7

Friday, April 3, 2009

Pepsi Natural, Journal Entry Five

Pepsi Natural, Journal Entry Five:

I bicycle to the nearer store. Turns out that there is no "Stop One" deli at 72nd and 5th Ave. There's a Russian pharmacy with a name which sounds similar when spoken out loud, but they don't have soft drinks for sale. Or so they claim. If I was a real investigator, I would break into their store room at night, just to be certain. But I'm not.

However, the trip was not without adventure. I picked up a Caffeine Free Diet Pepsi, something I'd never actually seen but had only imagined in my most fantastic dreams (not pictured). I also picked up a Mexican Coke with real sugar, a rarity nowadays.

Then disaster. I quote from my "Facebook" page:

Tim used a his bike spokes to open a bottle of Mexican Coke. While riding. On accident. I could've died.

And the follow up...

I didn't get to enjoy the Coke. It was in a cloth bag, which swung down from my shoulder and caught in the spokes. It was spun with the rotation and jammed up into the front brake, which made my front wheel seize up. As it caught, the cap popped off and a jet of soda shot out of the bag and into the air. Meanwhile, the back tire of the bike lifted high up into the air and my butt left the seat. My legs flailed straight out in a successful effort to keep my balance, which was quite remarkable in itself.

At the peak of my arc, with soda spraying in the air and myself balanced on the handlebars and my butt higher than my head, I looked over at a passing mini-van full of Middle-Eastern men. Our eyes met, theirs were full of horror and sympathy, I suspect mine were already shot through with embarassment.

The caffeine-free Pepsi survived intact.

Yeah, you fucks. Laugh all you like.

Another dream. I'm in a poorly drawn sloop and see a gigantic bottle of Pepsi Natural bobbing on the waves. I heft a harpoon, put my knee in the clumsy cleat, "dart the harp", and then all goes black. I have a vague memory of an ominous voice saying "1d6 investigators per round", but I don't remember what happens next. I think the dream symbolizes that Pepsi Natural is like an ice berg, and 90% of the deliciousness is concealed under the water.

Here's the drawing I made:

1d6 investigators per round

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Pepsi Natural, Journal Entry Four

Pepsi Natural, Journal Entry Four:

At my wit's end, I decide I have no recourse but to invoke a higher power fraught with forbidden knowledge.

I call the Pepsi company that serves New York City. They give me the names of two different distribution managers, one for Manhattan and one for Brooklyn. The Manhattan guy never seems to be in, the Brooklyn folks are very helpful. They give me names and addresses of two different stores that stock Pepsi Natural.

Ah. Pepsi Natural is the name of Pepsi Raw in the US.

One is a short bike ride from my apartment, the other a long slog. We'll see what a new day brings.

Another dream, I drew it out below. I think this one symbolizes my belief that I am hot on the trail of Pepsi Natural. Or that it will be Pepsi's hot new drink. This dream interpretation stuff is pretty easy.

My whole Pepsi Natural Saga:

The Prelude
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Pepsi Natural, Journal Entry Three

Pepsi Natural, Journal Entry Three:

While testing a "make your own soft drinks in your office" thing at a friends business, one of his co-workers tells me that the local Whole Foods is selling Pepsi Raw. He's wrong.

I had another dream last night. I won't tell you what happened when the cap came off, I'll just say that it was an erotic combination of sex and murder.

My whole Pepsi Natural Saga:

The Prelude
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7