Bahamas VI: Green Power 500 Sports Drink

Who the Hell Goes to the Bahamas? Part Six

There is no green on the Green Power 500 can, unless you squint and shake the can back and forth really fast.

Green Power 500 Sports Drink with Added Chlorella Growth Factor, Vedan Enterprises

Okay, this stuff alarmed me from the minute I laid eyes on it in a run down convenience store in Nassau. Living in New York, I see all sorts of things that bargain seeking store owners pick up for a song, figuring if they sell one then they'll break even. "What? Cow tongue flavored bubble gum? Only a dollar a crate? I'll take it."

Actually, cow tongue flavored bubble gum is kind of a good idea. It has a certain economy to it.

Anyhow, I can't help but feel that this is something dumped on the market. That someone somewhere found out that "Chlorella" actually means "cancer", and "cancer growth factor" just can't be made into a positive no matter how you try. In the name of breaking my own rules, I looked the stuff up and found a page on it here.
"Green Power sport drink is popular in Asian countries, the best drink after sport. If you are interested in our product, please contact with me for further information. Thanks."

At least it isn't a product recall. Snooping around I found out what chlorella is, too. The page boasts that it comes with cell walls broken down because it's impossible for humans to digest it otherwise. Which brings me around to ask what is "Chlorella Growth Factor". What does that mean? Do I have chlorella growing inside of me now? Do I need to stand and open my mouth towards the sun so it can photosynthesize? Are you positive you just didn't misspell cancer?

I bought the stuff as a joke and avoided the punch line as long as I could. I danced and dived and hopped, not wanting to actually drink it. The packaging makes it look like something I should be emptying into a machine, not my body. And not the good kind of vibrating machine, either.

That is the look of someone who was almost hit by a falling safe.
The safe, missing him, splits open
and showers him with 500 Grand bars.
He hates 500 Grand bars, but is still glad the safe
didn't hit him on the head. That is this look.

But I did it. I drank it, or most of it. It wasn't bad at all, almost good. The taste was somewhere between Mello Yello and grapefruit juice, watery and sweet without carbonation. Absolutely none of that energy drink foulness, even if it was energy-drink-dirty-yellow.

Being a product of China, expect your local Wal-Mart to force feed it to you soon.

This says: "Feed to foolish Westerners,
let them ruin their economy, profit, share profit equally,
transform Wal-Marts into conqueror robots."

Bawls Guarana

What a great bottle! I bet this drink will taste
like one of the cloud space ship levels in Unreal.

Bawls Guarana

The stuff smells like medicine, and tastes the same. It reminds me of some particularly foul cough syrup I tried once, yellow and thick. Bawls is just like that horrible stuff, but not thick and very, very carbonated. Definitely, a medicine taste combined with the flavor of cheap, store-brand soda which has gone out of date.

Whoops, I accidentally drank out of the bottle's anus.

Quick, give me some toilet paper for my tongue.
On-fire toilet paper, please.

Why do energy drinks universally taste bad? I've never had one that was pleasant to drink, it's like each one is a challenge to my masculinity. I have to suffer through it or be considered weak. Because of my dislike of energy drinks I don't frequent the energy drink aisle of the store, so I didn't know that Bawls is as common as dirt and not at all "exotic". I saw an edgy hipster buying some of these same blue bottles from the 7-11, and felt less special. "Hey guy in the funny pork pie hat," I wanted to say, "hey guy, why do you drink these awful things? Do you need a hug?"

I would expect a company named "Hobarama" to be much more exciting, to make better stuff. One would think that the factory is a huge warehouse stuffed full of hobos and their bindles, each one telling stories and shooting snipe. But no. They make this drank, which I bet isn't even made of rendered hobos.

I suspect they also make delightful dildos, because the bumps on the bottle are the best part of this shit wash of a drink. It feels good to hold, and presumably good to stick inside myself and swish around. The knobs on the bottle are, overall, pretty neat.

I read something long ago that said the first glassware in Europe was covered in knobs. The knobs supposedly prevented the heavy glasses from slipping out of your greasy, feasty, Viking hands. This bottle of Bawls is going to slip out of my hand when I throw it out the window, knobby bits or no.

The boast of these drinks is the high energy aspect. I've renounced caffeine, so when I do go on a bender and drink some Mountain Dew I go berserk. We'll have to wait and see how the Guarana and high caffeine levels of Bawls affects me.

Next day: Not much to report. Didn't even have trouble sleeping, though I did get a touch of the unpleasant jitters.

Edit: A friend of mine wrote, "What do you expect something called Bawls to taste like?"