Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Bahamas VI: Green Power 500 Sports Drink

Who the Hell Goes to the Bahamas? Part Six

There is no green on the Green Power 500 can, unless you squint and shake the can back and forth really fast.

Green Power 500 Sports Drink with Added Chlorella Growth Factor, Vedan Enterprises

Okay, this stuff alarmed me from the minute I laid eyes on it in a run down convenience store in Nassau. Living in New York, I see all sorts of things that bargain seeking store owners pick up for a song, figuring if they sell one then they'll break even. "What? Cow tongue flavored bubble gum? Only a dollar a crate? I'll take it."

Actually, cow tongue flavored bubble gum is kind of a good idea. It has a certain economy to it.

Anyhow, I can't help but feel that this is something dumped on the market. That someone somewhere found out that "Chlorella" actually means "cancer", and "cancer growth factor" just can't be made into a positive no matter how you try. In the name of breaking my own rules, I looked the stuff up and found a page on it here.
"Green Power sport drink is popular in Asian countries, the best drink after sport. If you are interested in our product, please contact with me for further information. Thanks."

At least it isn't a product recall. Snooping around I found out what chlorella is, too. The page boasts that it comes with cell walls broken down because it's impossible for humans to digest it otherwise. Which brings me around to ask what is "Chlorella Growth Factor". What does that mean? Do I have chlorella growing inside of me now? Do I need to stand and open my mouth towards the sun so it can photosynthesize? Are you positive you just didn't misspell cancer?

I bought the stuff as a joke and avoided the punch line as long as I could. I danced and dived and hopped, not wanting to actually drink it. The packaging makes it look like something I should be emptying into a machine, not my body. And not the good kind of vibrating machine, either.

That is the look of someone who was almost hit by a falling safe.
The safe, missing him, splits open
and showers him with 500 Grand bars.
He hates 500 Grand bars, but is still glad the safe
didn't hit him on the head. That is this look.

But I did it. I drank it, or most of it. It wasn't bad at all, almost good. The taste was somewhere between Mello Yello and grapefruit juice, watery and sweet without carbonation. Absolutely none of that energy drink foulness, even if it was energy-drink-dirty-yellow.

Being a product of China, expect your local Wal-Mart to force feed it to you soon.

This says: "Feed to foolish Westerners,
let them ruin their economy, profit, share profit equally,
transform Wal-Marts into conqueror robots."


  1. Man, you're really making me want one of these.

  2. Just to be clear: It wasn't very good.