Friday, August 29, 2008

Bawls Guarana

What a great bottle! I bet this drink will taste
like one of the cloud space ship levels in Unreal.

The stuff smells like medicine, and tastes the same. It reminds me of some particularly foul cough syrup I tried once, yellow and thick. Bawls is just like that horrible stuff, but not thick and very, very carbonated. Definitely, a medicine taste combined with the flavor of cheap, store-brand soda which has gone out of date.

Whoops, I accidentally drank out of the bottle's anus.

Quick, give me some toilet paper for my tongue.
On-fire toilet paper, please.

Why do energy drinks universally taste bad? I've never had one that was pleasant to drink, it's like each one is a challenge to my masculinity. I have to suffer through it or be considered weak. Because of my dislike of energy drinks I don't frequent the energy drink aisle of the store, so I didn't know that Bawls is as common as dirt and not at all "exotic". I saw an edgy hipster buying some of these same blue bottles from the 7-11, and felt less special. "Hey guy in the funny pork pie hat," I wanted to say, "hey guy, why do you drink these awful things? Do you need a hug?"

I would expect a company named "Hobarama" to be much more exciting, to make better stuff. One would think that the factory is a huge warehouse stuffed full of hobos and their bindles, each one telling stories and shooting snipe. But no. They make this drank, which I bet isn't even made of rendered hobos.

I suspect they also make delightful dildos, because the bumps on the bottle are the best part of this shit wash of a drink. It feels good to hold, and presumably good to stick inside myself and swish around. The knobs on the bottle are, overall, pretty neat.

I read something long ago that said the first glassware in Europe was covered in knobs. The knobs supposedly prevented the heavy glasses from slipping out of your greasy, feasty, Viking hands. This bottle of Bawls is going to slip out of my hand when I throw it out the window, knobby bits or no.

The boast of these drinks is the high energy aspect. I've renounced caffeine, so when I do go on a bender and drink some Mountain Dew I go berserk. We'll have to wait and see how the Guarana and high caffeine levels of Bawls affects me.

Next day: Not much to report. Didn't even have trouble sleeping, though I did get a touch of the unpleasant jitters.

Edit: A friend of mine wrote, "What do you expect something called Bawls to taste like?"


  1. were you the edgy hipster at the 7-11? Because you seem like you want to be an edgy hipster.

    1. I'm caught, it was my own reflection in a large mirror at which I directing my questions. My inner angry parakeet cannot hold it's tongue.

      Not that the vitriolic word "hipster" deserves a polite rebuff, rather I should get internet speak and say "RTFA" at you.