Thursday, October 30, 2008

Bahamas VII: Bahamas Goombay Punch

Who the Hell Goes to the Bahamas: Second to Last

This is the Bahamian equivalent of the kid on the milk carton.

Goombay Punch

Okay, the totally crazy can made me feel bad about drinking it. As soon as I tipped that can back the face would stop smiling and I'd feel like a murderous dick. And I hate punch out of cans. If it's a big glass bowl with bits of fruit in it, I'll give it a try, especially if there's a big metal dipper. But cans always taste like metal, especially with flat drinks.

I avoided this one even longer than the Green Power 500, and with as little reason. It isn't bad, but instead is overwhelmingly good. The sugar sweet kicks in the door to your house and then makes you square dance for six hours straight, fun for the first ten minutes but hellish after that. If this stuff met Tropical Punch Punchy, the guy in the Hawaiian hat, poor Punchy would get the worst of it (in my notes I wrote "would bend Punch over and use him roughly", but that seems in bad taste so I'm leaving it out of the blog posting).

Who the hell makes a punch drink without assloads of red dye? Who?

Let me say that again: I hated it, but I hate punch. I recognize this as something that might be good punch to folks who like punch. However, it is very, very sweet. Too sweet even for me, and I'm so full of sweet that when I pee it comes out like soft serve ice cream.

It didn't even have to go through me to get that color.

I couldn't drink the whole can, it'd've had me heaving in the bowl. It sat on a shelf for the day, then gave me a pleasant surprise that evening. The stuff came out yellow. It's yellow. Who the hell makes yellow punch?

If I liked punch, this might be king, but as things stand its nought to me but a petty despot.

I didn't believe them when they warned me
that Goombay Punch could provoke dolphin attacks.

PS. It's slightly carbonated.


  1. wtf?!
    are you crazy?!
    goombay punch is the best drink ever!
    you don't know what you're talking about!

  2. You've been hypnotized by the eyes on the can. Fight it, man, fight it. Look at the can and try not to see two happy eyes, instead see two miscolored breasts with a dirty yellow dildo in between. The smile isn't a smile, it's a woman's skin flap of a stomach hanging down over her pubic thatch. Think of that and maybe you can break the evil spell.

    Or pour it in a glass when you drink it, that diseased-urine color makes MY stomach churn.

  3. Take two 10oz glasses, add ice to each, 2oz of Ron Ricardo dark rum to each, fill each with Bahamas Goombay Punch....drink.....repeat!!!!!

  4. You don't deserve to be a soda reviewer. Goombay Punch is the greatest.

  5. You certainly deserve a punch in the throat, and I mean that both ways.

  6. I am going to hunt you down and tear you to pieces. Goombay Punch is the greatest thing to ever have been comparable. It's better than sex, not that you would know. Don't slander the name of the great drink!

  7. It's a lazy mans drink, for someone so unmotivated that they can't even process red into yellow.

  8. Not because it says punch means that it is fruit punch.There could be many punches out there beside fruit punch. You have the right to say your opinion but if you don't have anything good to say don't say it at all. Many people enjoy the flavor of Goombay Punch. Your tastebuds just probably suck. :(

  9. I can't believe you hate this so much. This is the best damn drink you can get in the bahamas!!! And PS the name is false advertising. It's actually pineapple soda that's why it tastes nothing like punch

  10. Huh. That's odd. I guess that explains the color.

  11. I love it when my mother brought it back home from Bahamas in 1973. I still remember that taste! My taste buds never EVER forgets that! I kinda wish there were Goombay Punch sold here in USA because I think it is the greatest soda ever made!! So sweet and yummy! Plus I love the pineapple!

  12. This review fascinates me. It's very well done. I can thrill to the sudden twists and turns of the reviewer's expectations as they collide with Goombay itself. It strikes me as an unusually complex interplay of fantasy and truth, dreams versus reality. In the end, it is the story of us all.

    Amazingly, the controversy leaps into the comments themselves. This drink--which the reviewer does not hate so much as shun--has inspired passionate partisans eager to do him bodily harm for a perceived libel against the drink.

    Readers, Tim H. may have committed an injustice, but do not wound him in your rage! Look upon the face of Bahamas Goombay Punch! Does that pacific visage wish harm to anyone? Nay. Let us be united in compassion for all those, including Tim H., including ourselves, who labor under the veil of Maya, Hindu goddess of delusions (and I guess mixed metaphors, because I don't know what laboring people do under veils). The reviewer expected a bad drink, got a good one--and then got more of a good one than he ever expected or indeed ever wanted. Plus it looks gross. It would be like receiving the unconditional love of an ugly woman. We have all been there. It's a tricky deal. Let us be united in brotherly love, and in Goombay.

    Unless it really is gross. Seriously, I want to try this drink, and then carnally know an ugly woman.

  13. I got a can of punch and a wig. Come over.

    1. You sir are immature and offensive!

      Simply because you and your tastes are jacked up, there is NO reason to be such a twisted pantie

      Add to that you clearly see NOBODY agreeing with you! Put simply, the world would be better off WITHOUT you in it!

    2. Go start a blog and review soft drinks and put emphatic CAPITALIZATIONS in it. You can build up a fan base by photographing yourself doing handstands and peeing out Goombay Punch and exclaiming how wonderful it is.

  14. Did anyone notice the ingredients lable said nothing about caffeine. What a relief. The rush is from sugar, nothing else! Yea!