Thursday, January 19, 2012

My Form Letter Meets Your Form Letter and "Fuck" is Involved but not in a Sexy Way

Dear Tim,

Thank you for contacting us at Pepsi-Cola regarding the availability of Caffeine Free Mountain Dew and Mountain Dew Throwback .

I am so sorry you are having a problem locating this product. We do operate under a franchise bottler system and as such, bottlers have the freedom to decide which product flavors and package sizes they will offer. For this reason, local availability can vary across the country.

To locate stores in your local area that might sell our products, (within a 50 mile radius), please log on to Simply click on the STORE LOCATOR tab in the upper right hand corner of the page, select the product you're trying to find, enter your zip code, and you'll see a list of the chain grocery stores and chain pharmacies closest to you that have sold the product in the last 30 days. This information is generated by stores that use computer scanning equipment in their check-out process.

If you would like additional assistance, please call our Consumer Relations department at 1 (800) 433-2652 Monday – Friday, 9am-6pm EST. When calling, please refer to the file number located at the bottom of this email.

Thanks again for contacting us.

Consumer Relations Representative


{\i DID YOU KNOW ... *** All of Pepsi-Cola’s plastic soft-drink bottles contain an average of 10% recycled plastic, and the average aluminum can contains 40% to 50% recycled aluminum. ***}

Dear Pepsico,

You're a bunch of jerks. You can't leave important decisions like this up the bottlers, they're idiots. A fucking bottler can't make a same tasting drink two weeks in a row, yet you trust them to know what the market is? Did no one tell the idiot bottlers that Mountain Dew Throwback would sell out of my local store within a day? Have you ever TRIED Caffeine Free Mountain Dew in the NYC area?

No. Seriously, you should fix this.




  1. caffeine free? I didn't think that was possible. In fact, I was under the impression that caffeine was their whole point. *That New York must be a magical place to live.*
    Oh, if you want to try a really awful drink, So Duh Liquid Fire is as tasty as a spit cup filled with red hots. I know that sounds great, but it really isn't.

    1. When you wrote "So Duh Liquid Fire" I thought you were just being a jerk, making stuff up. Now I have something to find.

      Thank you!


      Caffeine free Mountain Dew tastes different, but it tastes enough like Mountain Dew that I'll drink it. I'm getting old and the extra caffeine wigs me out in the evenings. I should get a medical prescription for the stuff.

  2. Replies
    1. I'm one angry dude, don't cross me. Wait, you're using a boxing name for your internet handle - you can probably cross me all you like.

    2. (Are you the person I think you are, oh roommate of my pal?)

    3. Yep. I was directed here per your request. I'll 'be contacting you shortly!

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