Brain Wash, by Skeleteens

Brain Wash, by Skeleteens

This skull tells lies.

Look at the splattering of red goo in the divot under my nose. There's nothing wholesome about that.

Even my wife doesn't like it, and she hates everything.

Wow, this stuff is awful. It's like carbonated cough syrup without the alchohol. But in a bad way, because I like the taste of cough syrup. It tastes like a sour grimace, made incarnate. It tastes like a half-vomit, full of herbs and spices. The taste is partly cherry, but too too much cherry. I love fake cherry syrup, I never thought there could be too much of it.



Look at the picture, the bottle is actually stained red from the soda and has funky stain mark where the soda level was. Look at my tongue, that's after three swigs.



To top off the too much cherry, there is a stew of other shit in there - the generic energy drink herbs. They add lots of flavor, all bad. A burning shit flavor, the oral equivalent of an onion and jalapeno flux. And I mean it literally burns, not with just the burned wheat flavor so common in corn syrup sodas. My throat is still burning five minutes after my last drink.

I don't know how a drink with a skull on the label can go so wrong. Let's read a few of the sayings off the label:

"Gets rid of all the garbage they've been dumping in your mind"

"Helps relieve extreme mental overload"

"This may be your only way out!"

"We want you for life"

The manufacturer is Skeleteens of Los Angeles. Are teens really going to drink this crap? Won't the hokey phrases on the label chase them off? Can you get much more "square" than that? Do kids today really hate themselves this much?

I can't drink this without making that gagging cough noise, a sort of mix between a breathy "hoooo" and a "Caaa" and a "God I wish I'd died opening the bottle". Maybe something went horribly wrong with the Benzoate that added to preserve flavor. Or maybe I'm not used to drinking soda's with sage in the ingredients list.

This is easily the worst soda yet. My only hope is that Australians will occupy our country and convert the Skeleteens puke factory into a kangaroo flavored ginger beer plant.

The last third of the bottle went down the sink.


PS. The next day my poop was off-pink. It can only be because of the hideous dye content of this soda. As awesome as pink poop is, it doesn't justify the foul beverage itself.

PPS. I found out since writing this that the Skeleteens company has died. While I always support alternatives to major brands, I weep no tears in this case.