Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Vanilla Cream Slurpee

You'd think I could've taken
a more interesting photo in an art studio.

Vanilla Cream Slurpee

One of the most basic lessons every American learns is to taste a little bit of the fountain beverage before you commit to it and fill your cup. There are plenty of reasons to do this; the best reason is to avoid filling your cups with a drink whose mix is off, usually with too little syrup. In the Midwest, I would sometimes find a business substituting one cola product for another, the fountain serving King Kola instead of Coke, for instance. Very wicked, and something to be watched out for.

Of course, I say every American learns this, but I really mean they SHOULD learn it. How many times have I watched some asshole fill their cup all the way and then empty it out for no discernible reason and fill it with something else? I confess, my friends, that it isn't even always because the drink was inferior - it was just because they wanted something else. Because their taste changed half way though the filling process.

I hate waste, and I hate when I'm put in a situation where I have to be wasteful. Like today. I stopped in at a 7-11 on the way to my studio, to pick up a drink. I knew I wanted to get something without caffeine, but I also knew I wanted a slurpee. The non-coke slurpees are pretty foul, as a rule, so I fretted about this my entire ride in.

At the 7-11 Slurpee dispenser I spotted a new flavor, Vanilla Cream. Following the common sense actions described above, I tried a little bit in the bottom of my recycled cup. It tasted all right. Full of hope, I fill my cup 4/5s full with vanilla cream and the last bit with Coke Slurpee.

The vanilla cream was the color of old semen, but tasted good nonetheless. At first. By the time I sit down in my studio, I am dancing on the edge of a bellyache. It's awful. The stuff is so sweet and creamy and cloying that I feel as if I might vomit. And it's the only thing I have to drink unless I feel like walking a block to the water tap in the restroom.

Bah. I kid you not that I have to walk a block to the restroom. Hold your arm out at full length, pinch your fingers down to about half an inch apart from one another. Now that's the door you have to walk to in order to use the toilet. Doesn't that suck?

But, seriously, this crap tastes like a vanilla scented candle was used to burn down a Sweettart factory. It's awful. And the taste is so overpowering that I can't just skim the coke off the top, I'll probably have to take my reusable cup out and shoot it.

Those clumpy white bits are the vanilla
showing through the Coke. Yuck.


  1. That looks like a festering boil. Old semen? I'm afraid to ask.

  2. Sadly the real color didn't come through as it had a layer of Coke slurpee on top. At best it looked like old semen shot through with clotted blood.