Molotov cocktail worthy.
Fentiman's Curiosity Cola
According to the neighbors, I was running through the halls without a shirt on, screaming "I want me some sugar". I banged on doors and reached up an older resident's blouse. It took two tazings to bring me down. All that after one sip of Fentiman's Curiosity Cola.
I don't drink grown-up drinks, no alcohol or coffee for me. I suspect that's why I reacted so negatively to Curiosity Cola, a drink even harder than the previous Fentiman's I tried. This stuff tastes like cola flavored cough syrup. No, actually it doesn't. It tastes like I'm at a cheap shit party where someone tried to turn my store-brand imitation King Kola into a mickey by adding a swill of cheap liquor to it.
Which reminds me of one of my favorite exchanges from a W.C. Fields movie:
Nervous Bank Inspector: (About to drink liquor in a sleazy bar) Do you mind if we pull the shades?
W.C. Fields: You can pull anything, this is a regular joint.
That's from The Bank Dick.
Fentiman's looks awesome. Cool-ass bottle, old tymey label but not to the point of cheesiness. Even has a neat looking dog on the neck ring. "Botanically Brewed" in raised letters on the shoulder of the bottle, so the blind know what they are getting into. A... oh, wait a minute. The back label says "Our unique brewing process leaves a sediment - to unlock the natural taste... UP END BEFORE POURING."
That last bit is in all caps, bold, AND underlined. I can't underline things in this blog, so use your imagination.
So I failed to follow instructions, which means I have to give it another taste. Fuck. All right you Fentiman jerks, put shit like that on the cap where we have to see it. I put my thumb over the bottle opening, "up end" it, take a taste, yuck. It tastes exactly the fucking same except that it's about 5% less carbonated than before. Go to hell Fentiman's. This is a disgusting beverage with all the charm of a bright blue energy drink.
Actually, that's what this stuff tastes like. A cola energy drink. A quick read of the ingredients confirms that: guarana extract and some other fake nature sounding crap are listed. So is "Cola Flavour 9594". I've never seen someone list the flavour number. Is that like a Sleep Number from those mattress commercials? Can I please turn my number down to 0000?
I'm a person just like you
But I've got better things to do
Than sit around and fuck my head
Hang out with the living dead
Drink Fentiman's Curiousity Cola
I would rather have ebola
I don't even think about it
Cause it's something that tastes like shit
I've got the straight edge
Bad dog, bad.*
*This is actually a photo from the Ginger Soda bottle.