Molotov cocktail worthy.
Fentiman's Curiosity Cola
According to the neighbors, I was running through the halls without a shirt on, screaming "I want me some sugar". I banged on doors and reached up an older resident's blouse. It took two tazings to bring me down. All that after one sip of Fentiman's Curiosity Cola.
I don't drink grown-up drinks, no alcohol or coffee for me. I suspect that's why I reacted so negatively to Curiosity Cola, a drink even harder than the previous Fentiman's I tried. This stuff tastes like cola flavored cough syrup. No, actually it doesn't. It tastes like I'm at a cheap shit party where someone tried to turn my store-brand imitation King Kola into a mickey by adding a swill of cheap liquor to it.
Which reminds me of one of my favorite exchanges from a W.C. Fields movie:
Nervous Bank Inspector: (About to drink liquor in a sleazy bar) Do you mind if we pull the shades?
W.C. Fields: You can pull anything, this is a regular joint.
That's from The Bank Dick.
Fentiman's looks awesome. Cool-ass bottle, old tymey label but not to the point of cheesiness. Even has a neat looking dog on the neck ring. "Botanically Brewed" in raised letters on the shoulder of the bottle, so the blind know what they are getting into. A... oh, wait a minute. The back label says "Our unique brewing process leaves a sediment - to unlock the natural taste... UP END BEFORE POURING."
That last bit is in all caps, bold, AND underlined. I can't underline things in this blog, so use your imagination.
So I failed to follow instructions, which means I have to give it another taste. Fuck. All right you Fentiman jerks, put shit like that on the cap where we have to see it. I put my thumb over the bottle opening, "up end" it, take a taste, yuck. It tastes exactly the fucking same except that it's about 5% less carbonated than before. Go to hell Fentiman's. This is a disgusting beverage with all the charm of a bright blue energy drink.
Actually, that's what this stuff tastes like. A cola energy drink. A quick read of the ingredients confirms that: guarana extract and some other fake nature sounding crap are listed. So is "Cola Flavour 9594". I've never seen someone list the flavour number. Is that like a Sleep Number from those mattress commercials? Can I please turn my number down to 0000?
I'm a person just like you
But I've got better things to do
Than sit around and fuck my head
Hang out with the living dead
Drink Fentiman's Curiousity Cola
I would rather have ebola
I don't even think about it
Cause it's something that tastes like shit
I've got the straight edge
Bad dog, bad.*
*This is actually a photo from the Ginger Soda bottle.
Posts
You just made me laugh my ass off man! Thanks for that. Happy Monday to you!
ReplyDelete-April
I don't know what's wrong with you. Curiousity Cola ist the best Cola ever.
ReplyDeleteFentimans is a good dog :D
I don't know what's wrong with you, times two. And it isn't the best cola ever, times ten.
ReplyDeleteYou suck! Your opinion sucks! This stuff rocks...and you suck.
ReplyDeleteI love curiosity cola it's much nicer than regular coke!
ReplyDeleteSeriously - if you think this tastes like cough medicine, it's time you packed up your bottles and get a extra-large tub of diet coke. That should last you a month at least. It's called flavor. It's what makes life good.
ReplyDeleteYou know, my poop has a flavor. If it makes your life good, you're welcome to taste all you like.
ReplyDeleteCuriosity Cola is the shit, that stuff shouldn't be legal!
ReplyDeleteThat is painfully unclear.
ReplyDeleteI certainly hope noone pays you for your opinions because on this one you are way wrong. The only problem I have with it is that it could have a little less sugar in it. Other than that the flavor is amazing!
ReplyDeleteNuh uh, you're wrong. Nyah nyah.
ReplyDeleteget a job
ReplyDeleteThis is one of the best cola's I have ever tasted. Perhaps Jolt is more to your liking.
ReplyDeleteI think this cola is good, but your review is even better! Can you type as fast as you think?
ReplyDeleteIf I typed as fast as I think I wouldn't be done with it yet.
ReplyDeleteI like it.
ReplyDeleteWell put.
ReplyDeleteThe Catuaba extract is the business... Better than coke..
ReplyDeleteFentimans is great and you are clearly a moron.
ReplyDeleteWrong on one count, nerd, and it ain't the one about me being a moron.
ReplyDeleteI like it! It's not as syrupy as normal cola and doesn't leave a nasty residue on your tongue. It's delightfully fizzy and find it gives me the ability to produce extremely impressive belches XD
ReplyDeleteIt's light and tingly and a nice change from conventional colas.
And what's wrong with blue energy drinks? Blue is my fave flavor =D
There is something fundamentally wrong with that last post. No swear words, no dumb insults... Wait, it's an actual thought out comment!
ReplyDeleteYeah, I'll give you that Coke and a lot of the mass produced sodas can be painfully syrupy. Blech. And anything that increases the number of burps in the world is great, but... Alcohol content seems to be higher than they state, and the energy drink flavor makes it taste generic.
And yes, blue is an awesome flavor.
Your review of Curiosity Cola is like someone reviewing a brief stint in the outside world after having lived their entire life entombed inside a windowless house under the influence of artificial lighting.
ReplyDeleteYou obviously aren't used to what cola should taste like. So find it a shock to the system.
All right, I'll bite: What's the definitive cola taste? And no recursive "Fentiman's cola tastes like cola because it tastes like Fentiman's cola."
ReplyDeleteAmazing post...Thanks for sharing...
ReplyDeleteI suppose flavor is all in the mouth of the drinker, so if you are one for super sweet beverages I can understand not liking Curiosity Cola. It's true that it's not very sugary, but I think that's what I like about it.
ReplyDeleteTo me, most colas on the market are WAY too sweet and leave a syrupy, sacchariney residue in my mouth, as the flavor mostly relies on sugar.
Curiosity Cola to me tastes more strongly of the more traditional herbal flavorings of nutmeg, vanilla, citrus oil, and tamarind. It's a nice and complex change of pace to more discerning palettes.
But to each his own, I suppose. If you don't like it, you don't like it and I'm not gonna change your mind!
A good part of changing my mind is in connecting properly spelled words in sentences and paragraphs, you have me halfway convinced by not falling into the "u sux doo1d" stuff that most folks give me.
ReplyDeleteIf they give me a drink that is alcohol-free, I'd try it again. I like China Cola, which is an herbal cola, based on what you say you make Fentiman's sound like that...
It's been so long though, that I can no longer remember the Fentiman's Cola to defend my review. So I'd try it again, sure, if it warn't for the likker.
Just FYI, 7-up has more alcohol (.5%) than Fentiman's (.3%). In the US, any drink having less than .5% is considered non-alcoholic, which is why US soft drinks, most of which contain trace amounts of alcohol, don't put it on the label.
ReplyDeleteAlso, you need to get out more.
I completely disagree. I can TASTE the alcohol in this - the label is incorrect. I said the same thing about a lot of the kambucha crap people kept giving me, and I was proven right when several brands had to be pulled because their alcohol content wasn't what was marked on the bottle.
ReplyDeleteI'd like a real source on that 7up-alcohol thing. A quick internet browse can't find an actual source, though it looks like it was mentioned on the "Colbert Report".
This is a fine cola. I can feel the nerve fibers of the hypoglossal activating in unison. I have greater energy potential for about two or three days after one of these drinks. My wife appreciates that for sure. I first had a bottle from a petrol station in Manchester, but now I have found it in the US in a Dean and Dalouca's type of overpriced clone of a store. I don't indulge. Maybe a bottle a week. Anyway, you should probably drink Walmart brand cola, your tastes are not at all sophisticated. That is all.
ReplyDeleteSelf-satire is rich.
ReplyDeleteI agree. When I took a sip, I had gag reflex to some sickly spice that just stays in your mouth for days. Had hope to put some rum in, but that just seemed to be a waste of a couple of shots of rum. I've tried about 10 other independent sugar cane colas that ranged from weak to tasty. This one should be labeled "Bizarre Cola". I'm sure it is a high quality product, but what is that spice that just coats your tongue and overrides every other sensation? Again, this all about personal tastes, so nobody is right or wrong here. I don't see why some people have to insult other opinions. I'm just trashing the soda, not the people who seem to enjoy it.
ReplyDeleteOn the one hand, taste is highly individual. Otoh it is more than possible that you have damaged your palette drinking and eating too much sugary crap. A lot of taste is like music - you have to be sensitized to certain things (e.g. a certain tonal scale) otherwise they'll be confusing, repellent or overwhelming. I suspect Fentimans tastes much better to people who drink complex malt whiskies and worse to people who drink Jack Daniels, for example.
ReplyDeleteAs for "There must be more alcohol there than they say because I can taste it" - no. You are not infallible or a lab instrument, and that you were right on another occasion doesn't make you so. Bad logic, no cookie!
*Anonymous: This one should be labeled "Bizarre Cola". I'm sure it is a high quality product, but what is that spice that just coats your tongue and overrides every other sensation?*
ReplyDeleteI'm guessing that it is the ginger. If you're curious, try the Fentiman's Cherry Cola and see if said bizarreness is lacking - I'm pretty sure that it doesn't have a significant amount of ginger. For most people the ginger in Fentimans blends quite subtly and gives it the extra complexity that people drink it for. But you may be extra sensitive either to the ginger, or even to some other ingredient that acts as a sensitizer for the ginger.
To me the regular Fentiman's tastes a LOT better than the cherry. Their pink lemonade(?) and fizzy orange drink taste bland, but their dandelion and burdock is superb - well worth trying for a non-caffeinated retro Anglophile experience.
It's so, so funny reading different reviews on colas. Everyone's taste buds are different, but to me, Curiosity has a better, deeper, more complex flavor than any other cola I've ever had. I also like Moxie.
ReplyDeleteMoxie is a hard one. It's like watching someone drunkenly dance on a bar and tear off their shirt - it's a great thing to see from over here but I sure don't want to do it. I like the googley eyed mascot, the orange cans, but I don't like the taste. I respect it, I fear it, but I don't like it - and I certainly don't begrudge those who do because it clearly is some sort of rock and roll lifestyle that I don't get.
ReplyDeleteVernor's, on the other hand... They need to be nuked.
It's 0.3% ABV. Bread in comparison is ~2% ABV. Do you never eat bread? Never use any extracts or products that contain extracts? I'm all for less alcoholism in the world, but there's a line of ridiculousness your posts entail and you've crossed it.
ReplyDelete