Tradewinds Sweet Tea

Part II of my trip to Michigan:

Tradewinds Sweet Tea, Tradewinds Beverage Company

Having the photo's subject slightly to one side is considered
good composition. This bottle should have been moved
about fifty feel to the left, and smashed against a tree.

I bought this stuff because it was made in Cincinnati, like my wife.

That sixth pair of eyes helps watch for hawks and owls.

Okay, I bought this stuff because I went "Internet Crazy" in a rest stop somewhere in Pennsylvania. "Internet Crazy", as far as I understand, is when people do stupid things that they regret doing in the public realm, then they blame it on the "Internet Crazies" and deny all responsibility. While I think the Internet is usually involved in the Internet crazies, I feel comfortable in using the term in relation to my buying "Tradewinds Sweet Tea", it was a mistake and I deny any wrongdoing. I'm not the asshole here, YOU ARE.

Sweet tea is one of the finest things in the world. When it's good it's great and when it's bad it's often still pretty good. Great sweet tea is bought at good barbecue restaurants, very good sweet tea is bought at White Castle (it's true). Tradewinds Sweet Tea is pretty bad, but still drinkable because of the innate power of sweet tea-ness. The sweet level is a little low, unusual for a drink like this, but the whole thing is plunged into the realm of gross by the syrupiness.

It's sweetened with corn syrup. The flavor element is pretty low key, but the viscosity is completely wrong. It's THICK. It's thicker than a flat soft drink. Tea should be watery in consistency, this stuff is watery in flavor. Yuck yuck yuck. I take back what I said earlier, it's really NOT drinkable. I didn't finish the bottle - it sat in the truck and was passed over by Phredd when he scavenged my Frozen Run Bear Mountain Birch Beer.

On the back of the bottle they have all these assertions about how healthy the stuff is. That it's kettle brewed and full of hippy goodness. Great, kettle brewed sounds wonderful! Believe it or not, I like healthy drinks and I like the idea of drinking healthy drinks. I eat healthy much of the time. It's true. But NOTHING IS HEALTH ABOUT CORN SYRUP! Don't do all this steeping and brewing and sacrificing-to-the-nature-god and then pour in a bunch of corn syrup. Shame on you. Whoever made that decision deserves all the horrible names that their health-minded underlings called them.

I remember the word "flavinoids" being used. Flavinoids are robot mascots the company uses to attract kids. The Flavinoids fly around and make things taste like imitation tea...

Oh man! I almost missed the chance to make a Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy reference. My god, I'd've had my install of Dwarf Fortress confiscated. Okay, here goes:

"Tradewinds Sweet Tea tastes almost, but not totally, unlike tea."

I hope I got that right. I'm not going to look it up.